UPs and DOWNs

It has finally happened... It's hit me. My husband is gone and I've cried everyday for the past 3 days. But today was the worst. I'm not sure if it because I do not sleep well anymore or if I'm just exhausted with life. This past week was very hard. All the emotions I feel. I wish I could be just selfish and only think of me and how I can get through this. If I didn't have the kids I would just find my old friend Vodka Red bull and that would fill the void. But I know that wouldn't get me very far. Right now i have to be strong and i will be strong Ive just been going through my UPs and DOWNs. Anyone that has been through this knows you go through phases. Right now im going through a weak phase but it will pass. Its only been a week and i just miss him so much! My heart aches for him...they way he hugs me, how he talks with the kids, his stupid little jokes that are so dumb there funny, how he can always make me smile even if i really don't want too, how he can get Ava in a better mood just by telling her NOT to smile then she smiles and laughs, the way he would teach Jason about guns and play Playstation3 with him. I just miss our life together. I know we will have that again. But right now i want it, i don't want to wait.  

 What makes this even harder is watching the children Jason and Ava starting to feel the sadness too.  Our daughter Ava started to show her sadness this past Saturday. We would talk about fun memories about Daddy Justin and her facial expressions would change. You could see her smile was fake. I could see it in her eyes and that breaks my heart. Our little Ava is always a ball of sunshine, so happy and silly. But this weekend it hit her. She misses her Daddy Justin. Jason is still struggling but I do my best to explain things and not raise my voice. I know his mind has been somewhere else this week and it shows. This week i am having their school councilor talk to them.  But.... i do keep them both very busy! Since our winter is finally over we have been outside playing everyday we have been going for walks, going to the park by our house, having some of their friends come over and of course going to the YMCA. The time they miss him the most is at night and same goes to me too. I miss him like crazy at bed time.

SO how do i get through this? SHIT I HAVE NO IDEA?!?! I just keep doing what i'm doing. Take care of my 3 beautiful children and everything that goes along with them. Then i have to make some time for me which is going to the gym and tanning (if i have a sitter). I try to keep up with house work but if i have clutter and clean clothes in the dryer THAT'S OK:) My kids are happy and healthy and my husband is too and thats all that matters!